Ouchiez

Is This Thing On?

The following: a joke Nick made up but was uninterested in keeping for his stand-up. "You should keep that for your stand-up," I say. "What stand-up?!," he asks. And thus I'm stealing it for my stand-up:

No, but seriously, some of my best friends are black. They're always stealing my shit.

Hyuck hyuck. You snooze you lose, Nicky peeps. You never know when you'll need some stand-up. Basic survival skill, dumbass.

Kat Livechats McAfee

OMG I LOVE livechatting McAfee Customer Support!

Customer: hello!
Ziyad U: Hi Kat, my name is Ziyad and I would be assisting you today.
Customer: hi ziyad! i work at a company called XXX.
Customer: one of our products has been incorrectly classified by McAfee as containing a virus
Customer: we were hoping to get this classification changed
Ziyad U: Kat, if I understood correctly, your program incorrectly detected as Trojan by McAfee. Am I right?
Customer: yes!
Customer: it is a small download, found here: http://XXX
Customer: when our users try to download it, they get an alert from McAfee
Customer: is there a way we can get this classification changed?
Ziyad U: No need to worry Kat, we have a dedicated department to research on this, so I suggest you to submit your sample to our AVERT team.
Customer: great!
Customer: where can i reach them?
Ziyad U: Do you want me to send you the details to kat@XXX.com?
Customer: yes, please!
Ziyad U: The mail has been sent to kat@XXX.com.
Customer: perfect!
Customer: thank you so much, ziyad!
Ziyad U: I hope that we've resolved your issue, effectively, In case of any further issues please feel free to contact us. We request you to include all previous correspondence when contacting us.
Ziyad U: You may receive a survey from McAfee in the next couple of days that will give you an opportunity to provide feedback on the support I've offered. This information will be used to further improve our support. You may end this chat at your convenience. Thank you for contacting the McAfee Technical Support.
Ziyad U: Bye, Kat. Have a nice day.
Customer: thank you, ziyad! you have a good day too!

How awesome was Ziyad, am I right??? Oh, and yes, I omitted all mention of my work in the chat above. I don't want my employer googlin it up and reading this shizz! Too much digging around and they're sure to find pictures on the interweb of me and my friends in blackface.

TOTALLY KIDDING! I don't do that shit.

How Did I Get So Lucky?

I'm really into this SNL skit. I find myself singing the song all the time. Tell me, why do I like this SNL skit so much?

Shut the F up

Plz click image below to enlarge.








Same score as Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, doi.

Jury Duty: A Post-Mortem

Hey guuuuuys! Did you know "post-mortem" is Latin? Like they use in the judicial system?

Just a little something I picked up during my time on the stand. A little bit of a priori shit I learned ex post facto, no biggie. But let me start ab initio.

Okay! So guess who just got dismissed as a juror! At first I was totally stoked on juring, but then I found out the case was regarding asbestos (snooze!), would last 4 weeks (oy!), was full of ugly peeps (pukes!), and was like 98% more boring than my actual job (bleh!). I was determined to get auf'd.

Nick offered some sound advice: "You're gonna have to act like a tard or buck up and do your duty." Consider it done, NKP. The tard part.

So most likely because I'm easy on the eyes, I got chosen to sit with a select group of 24 people to be directly questioned by the lawyerz while the hundred-or-so other contenders watched on like Rachel Zoe at Fashion Week.

My co-jurors and I were asked all sorts of Qs about our biases to see if we could make it work. I started off trying to think of ways to be dumb, but then I realized: I'm actually dumb!

Seriously, folks. All you gotta do is stop pretending you understand everything people are saying and you're off the hook. Ask a question out loud every time you get bored and accidentally start thinking about sandwiches. Say "You know what I mean?" a lot, and when they ask you to clarify, contradict yourself, cuz you probably didn't even mean it that hard in the first place.

But on a seperate note, how come everyone else gets this stuff? I find this hard to believe.

Oh really, ESL lady, you're totally on board with all these burden of proof distinctions? I guess that should've been evident when you answered that last question "Set. Ya. Mmmph."

Hey Fillipino college student, I'm stoked you're willing to leave all your biases re: asbestos at the door, because I totally bet you know that's a hazardous mineral and not some word you think you helluv learned in Spanish 2 and forgot but are def going to look up after court lets out. Chill.

Hey! Fat lady in the front! Shut your trap! No ones cares that you think with your heart but are also wondering where the bathroom is.

This is like the time we saw the new Batman (Heath Ledger like, became the Joker) and I found the plot hard to follow and was wondering why no one else in dumbass America did. Amanda comforted me by telling me dumb people just go through life not knowing that they're not understanding stuff, so this was nothing new for them. I think she's right.

I asked too many questions. Then I told them I wasn't willing to assign corresponding dolla billz to emotional sufferingz and they gave me the boot. Sorry I'm classy, Superior court. AHEM, "Superior" court!

Le sigh. Kat DISMISSED!

Liveblogging Jury Duty!

One day you're in, and the next, you're auf.

Here I am, liveblogging from Juror Selection Room 007! That's right, 007! If I'd ever seen a James Bond movie, I'd think that was pretty pimp. It's okay guys, don't feel bad, Austin Powers was funny for me anyway.

Okay! So I'm on the edge of my seat here waiting to find out whether I'll be selected to be a juror! Famous past jurors include Nick P, Lily, maybe Tag but I'm not sure, I think he may have said he got sent home, and a grip of old people.

So my first thought was that I'm so level-headed and awesome that I'll definitely get picked, but then I realized they want biased people, so I might not. But then I realized that I'm biased about all sorts of things, so then my next thought after all this was that I'll def get picked.

Here are some of my biases:

• I love immigrants, but mostly only European ones, esp. Slavs. Oh, Iranians are pimp too, but mostly the female ones (LOVE YOU GUYS!).
  
• I love women, especially really awesome ones that face hardship, esp. hardship imposed on them by men, esp. Hillary Clinton.
• I love the Internet and esp. think it's really obnoxious when people don't know about it. Seriously, will you stop asking me what Twitter is? Ask me again in like June 2k7 or something, dumbass, maybe THEN it'd make sense to me.
  
• I hate private school, esp. because they don't even have football teams and thus homecoming dances. Nick's high school had a playground on the ROOF OF THE SCHOOL! Blacktop jungle up in this piece.
  
• Not really into Mormons.
• I'm really into UC Berkeley, go bears! If you're a Cal grad, you're okay in my book, even if you're aZn.
• Gays are totally kewl by me, but esp. when they're not acting like sooo fabulous 24sevs cuz that wears me out FAST. Let's just sit and read magazines, okay?
• Ivy league kids are generally boring but not always, so don't quote me on it. But like, they still think raves are cool.
  

Fingers crossed, guys! I gotta shut this shit off now.